Sometimes, and by “sometimes” I mean an irrational amount, I start to worry that any day now my boyfriend John is going to get tired of my shit, stop finding me attractive, and decide that he can do better. I think about this- all. the. time. It’s stupid really, we just moved in together, we talk about marriage frequently, and yet… I truly fear that he’s going to wake up one morning, roll over, see me, and go “Meh… I’m done now.”
He’s never given me even the slightest reason to think this, it’s just my own mind slowly rotting away and making me clinically insane. I find myself doubting everything about me that he loves. Sometimes I just don’t think I’m pretty enough, or smart enough, or clever enough, and that he is entirely too good for me, and any day now this fact will occur to him and he will leave.
Blame this on my ex boyfriend who decided to dump me after four years together because we had become “too good of friends” and that he “just didn’t find me sexually attractive anymore.” Talk about a mind fuck, that asshole is still haunting me apparently. He’s ruining my confidence and I don’t like it.
I know John would never actually do any of the things that I happen to imagine at 4 am when I can’t sleep, and I have only the charming programs on TV that you can find at such an hour and my thoughts to keep me company. (God, I don’t know which one’s worse…)
But my point is, I know I’m being nuts, but am I being abnormal? I finally have this wonderful, smart, loving, perfect guy in my life and I am petrified that I am going to fuck it up. Does anyone else have this problem? Does anyone else fear this?
It’s a wonder how asshole ex-boyfriends can continue to still fuck with us after they are technically long gone. Feel crazy if you must, I think the same things, and if it’s abnormal, well I’m right there with you. I don’t think it’s abnormal though, I think a lot of people experience this. I like to believe that I’m bigger and better than the insecurities of my past, but they have a knack of sneaking up on me at unexpected times. It’s normal, I would say. It’s obvious that John loves and adores you and I’m actually quite impressed with how you two “click”. Honestly, there was a point during wedding night when I saw the two of you from across the room and I couldn’t help but smile because you both looked so happy together. You’re great, friend, and he knows that just as the rest of us do. Love you!
P.S. Not to mention-he appears to be warming up to your cats. That’s love, right there, when a non cat lover accepts us, cats and all.
I think that after driving thru at least 3 different states, to 2 different weddings for people he doesn’t know too well (yet), and spending all that time in hotels/condos/other peoples homes, if he didn’t break up with you immidiately after crossing the state line AND still chose to live in a house with you AND still sleeps next to you at night, I think your relationship is solid.
Altho I can also admit to momentary lapses of relationship doubt. I sill have 5 second panic attacks that Hubby will up and leave every once in a while.
I just found your blog today through haute pocket and in going through your archives I found this post. Just wanted to say: abnormal or not, I 100% do the same thing. It’s worst at night when they’re asleep and can’t tell you that you’re being ridiculous! It took my boyfriend and I a lot of stress and heartache to finally come together and get it right, and every once in a while I’m *terrified* that Nick will wake up one day and realize I’m not what he wants after all. And I KNOW that he loves me, he tells me he loves me, we live together and pay bills together and talk about getting married and having kids and we’re planning on getting engaged soon. Still doesn’t stop the odd moment of raging insecurity!
All of that to say… it’s not just you. And I’m glad I found your blog, it’s great.