I am a master of manipulation

May 12, 2008 at 2:42 pm (life, random, relationships, work) (co-wokers, manipulating, men)

I have come to find that being a nice pushover doesn’t get you anywhere, but neither does being a demanding bastard. The trick to success that I have found is this; be a self centered ass, BUT do it under the guise of someone who’s nice and cares about others. I find that I can get just about anything I want these days because I have gotten so good at manipulating the situation and/or people around me. Here are a couple of tips to ensure the prosperity of all the selfish people in my life that I pretend to care about:

1. Find a way to word something so it sounds like it’s their idea.

2. Phrase requests so it sounds like you’re doing THEM a favor.

3. Offer a trade off that benefits you far more. (But is they know about your extreme gain your plan is foiled)

4. Get to know one semi intimate detail about every one you work/interact with and use it to srtike up the conversation before asking for a favor (using rules 1 and 2 of course), this will make them think you care, even though you don’t, and they will be far more willing to help you.

5. Act pathetic. This works, people will feel better about themselves if they think that they’re helping out a charity case.

6. When you do blatantly need assistance be sure to start off the request by saying something like ” Can you do me a GIANT favor?” then asking for them to do something less time consuming than they imagined. This also makes people feel like they are better people for helping out someone “so much”. Everyone wants to feel like a better person, this is a easy way to manipulate.

7. Ask for them to do something for you while delicately nodding your head, it’s technically a request on your part, but it is really far more of a demand. The delicate head nodding makes others sub-consciencely agree with you and what you want them to do.

8. Guilt. Subtle guilt. Works especially well with boyfriends, but if you over use it the technique will be thrown in your face and will never work properly again.

9. Pouting. This combines rules 5 and 8, but only works if used sparingly. A sad or distressed women is pretty much the Achilles Heel for most men. For maximum impact in dire situations crying is also acceptable. A crying women can get anything she wants, unless of course she publicly cries often. In that case she will be LESS likely to get what she wants when employing this technique.

10. Flattery/flirting. It has to be legitimate flattery though, or it will be seen right through. Most people make the mistake of only using this technique right before making a request. Big mistake. People will think that you’re a fake asshole who’s only using them ( I mean, you ARE, but you don’t want them to know this). Instead, gingerly apply flattery and/or flirting techniques every time that you see them. This way, when you do need to use them for something they will already be primed.

Hope you can use these tips for your benefit, now go out into the world and give them a try. Happy Manipulating!